SAY CHEESE

I made hamburgers for supper the other night. I could eat burgers every night and never complain and since my one and only is away I will and I wont. I've been on a hunt for the perfect hamburger of late and have decided the one's I make at home are as good as any. Love to see cheese melting on that patty. And playing with fire is always fun right?

My hamburger tonight prompted a call I've been meaning to make for years now, to the International Cheese and Milk Byproduct Council. Wisconsin I suppose. At issue is the square cheese on a round burger and how to properly deal with the corners that droop over the edge. Not only is it a waste but you get those flare ups when it drops through the grill grates and onto the coals. Now I like seeing fire as much as the next guy but not when it's scorching the bottom of what will be my perfect dinner.

I did some research in various trade journals recently such as FDA Now, Food Statistics and the American Way and Mad Magazine found that fairly 76.3% of all American cheese slices consumed in America end up on a burger and only some 21% find their way to a sandwich. The other 2 or 3 %  end up either melted on a vegetable, eaten by a baby or fed to the dog under the table. I realize that when cheese was invented all we had was square bread so the square cheese made sense. Though what's up with Provolone cheese? It's the one cheese you don't put on a burger and it's round.  It goes on a square  sandwich.

I think the problem with this cheese/hamburger situation has roots in the 1950's when the hamburger conglomerates took over the care and feeding of the American public and their unwillingness to work with other sectors of the food industries. Knife wielding burly men with blood stained leather aprons using a campaign of intimidation and slander, labeling dairy producers as '...small men who fondle cow teats...',  wheedled their way into the darkest corners of our government, paying off officials and policy makers for favorable treatment in the laws concerning, well, lets just say it, burger shape.  One notable exception was the Wendys Corporation who made some various concessions with the cheese producers and bread unions, agreeing to make square burgers in exchange for keeping the buns round. While unorthodox it seems to have been beneficial for all sides.( I purposely didn't mention Krystal and White Castle because, my gosh, is that even meat?)

As I'm putting my square piece of cheese on the round burger I'm contemplating a campaign to bring uniformity to out tables. Take soup for instance. You put soup in a bowl. The bowl is round, the soup is round. Shouldn't it all  be this way? So I'm thinking of join one of the unions (Probably the dairy union, 'cause, well, who doesn't like to grab a teat once in a while?) to affect change from the inside out, working my way up until I get a seat at the table, so to speak, to push for the reforms every American deserves. I hope, that when the time comes I can count on your vote and your very best efforts. Help me put America back on the culinary map and make Julia Child proud. Thank you for your support. And God bless America.

Any questions, comments and financial contributions can be sent to 'Round Cheese Around the World' at  P.O. Box 27.......