Friday, February 17, 2012

I Gotta Pee

When I was in kindergarten I wasn't the brightest bulb . A big ha ha to all of you who just said 'what's changed' . Actually , you're probably right . I must have been pretty dumb though because I ended up at my teachers house for special tutoring . Really , how many kindergartners do you know of who need tutoring? Don't kindergartners have zero knowledge at that point . I had to get tutored to GET to zero . Mom was great about it though . " Heeeyyy....yer almost up to a zero now big boy! Have a Popsicle"! Ya gotta love my mom .

Mrs. Booth was my teacher and she was a sweetheart . I think I was in love with her . Or her hair . It was gigantic . She talked so nice to me and she remembered my name . That's a big deal to kids , the name thing . It's all we have and it felt good when a grown up knew it and used it . It meant we were real .

Mrs. Booth had me come over to her house each week so she could help with what ever dumbness I had about me . What teacher does that anymore? I think she was researching me though . I heard her talking to someone about having the missing link between apes and man . AT her kitchen table ! Of course I didn't get it then , but now . . . .

One time when I was there I became aware of the need to pee but decided to wait a bit and see if she would finish soon . I could wait . I could be patient . Mom always said be polite and be patient with your elders . I bet she didn't have to pee when she came up with this bit of wisdom . I wanted to interrupt but some folks you just have a hard time getting a word in edgewise . I though everyone knew the international signs of immanent peeing . Crossed legs , grabbing your crotch , bending at the waist , grimace on the face . I guess not .

There is also an international sign of relief . THAT one she knew . My momentary relief though was replaced with embarrassment  as I sat there in my wet corduroy pants and a puddle on the floor . I said  I was sorry and all and had tried to be patient but you can't really expect too much from a below zero 5 year old . She was so kind and made no fuss at all . She asked if I was done (I was) and cleaned me up , gave me a cookie , no milk , and we carried on . SHE , was a patient woman . I love you Mrs. Booth .

Have you ever been in the midst of God working on you and it seems to go on forever ? And the word He speaks to you is 'patience' and for a time you're ok with this 'çause He's God and well , who's smarter than Him? And so you do it , being patient that is , but soon find yourself hopping from one foot to another looking for relief and there He is still talking and teaching . You feel like He doesn't know the signs either .

I'm walking through a long stretch in life that requires much patience . I am so grateful My dad is at the helm of this life of mine and I mostly welcome His work . Some days I handle it well because I can see what He sees and I trust Him . A lot of days though I spend grimacing . Honestly a lot of this is my own fault but there are times He's saying 'just hold on' and I try so hard . I want to be a better man .

Some day's though, I just pee .











Monday, February 13, 2012

A Guy Named Paul

No humor today...

I didn't work much today . I had work for a change but did little. I couldn't get that inner motivation going , that little uuumph you need to help you press through a bad day . My uumph was gone and I couldn't find it . Some times I find it at Krispy Kreme but today I didn't want to find it if it were there so I didn't look .

I sat in my truck for a while hoping to find my nerve to face the day . I like my truck and it was so warm and cozy and safe this morning . I managed to get out and do a little but heart ache chased me back in after a time . I felt alone . Funny thing about working alone . You're alone . I figured I could be alone in my warm truck as well as in the cold so I went back .

I'm working through some things in my life this week . Some things you have to work on with God , alone in the dark places of your heart . Maybe this is part of this working out my salvation He talks about . Only I feel like it's me alone and He's so far away , busy with some one else and their dark place . I know that's not true but I cry out for relief and answers and it's met with silence and darkness .  I cried a lot today .

Do you know Paul Potts? He's a singer who won Britain's Got Talent a few years back . Youtube him (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1k08yxu57NA) and re-watch his first night on the show .  Watch the lady judge . Here was this unassuming phone salesman with an incredible gift to sing and in this right moment, this perfect moment it came out . This thing he was meant to do he finally got to do and his life was set on a new course . I cried watching it today , you probably wont . I'm a softy .

I think of myself sometimes like Paul , with this amazing gift deep inside , this amazing "me" inside waiting for a chance , for the right moment to burst forth . But until it does I feel like just so many small people in a great big world do . Small . It's a self image thing I know and that's a dark place We've been working on . My Dad and I . I just want to feel like I have value . I know I do , it's just some days you don't feel like it , you know what I mean? Maybe you don't . Why I feel alone sometimes .

This isn't a cry for a pat on the back and some kind words . Typing is just a fairly new way I have of sorting things out I'm just letting you in on the process . Everybody likes a good train wreck right? Just working it out as I stumble along . I just want to get it right .

Some day I want to stand on stage not before 3 talent scouts but One Judge and like Paul, open my mouth and let the beauty of His life come out and I'll finish and look at Him . And He'll look at me and applaud and say "Well done my good and faithful servant. I love you Mark".















Friday, February 10, 2012

I Never

I never thought I'd weigh 250 pounds. I never thought I'd wear a hat to cover a bald spot. I never thought I'd be sore when I rolled out of bed in the morning. I never thought I'd run a business. I never though I'd own a mini van and be ok with it. And I never thought...

28 years ago today I stood in a park that is no longer there and held hands with a woman who still is. I held those beautiful hands and looked deep in those beautiful eyes and when asked I said I do. The sun shined  brighter and a bird song never more pleasant than the words that befell my ears. She did too! Love is a splendid thing.

Mom and dad never told me love was hard. They never said it would rip my heart out. I didn't know love would hurt. I didn't know love has seasons. Does the oak know, when the birds are nesting among its branches, shaded by its leaves of green, that winter is coming? That it must? But stand it must and stand I have to experience the glories of the fairer months and there have been so many. It has been a joy to stand them all with the love of my life.


I love the finger that holds the ring I placed upon it so many years ago. I love the one to whom the finger belongs, the body and the soul. My summer of love continues on into a future unknown and will be with the one I gladly have known. I'm in love can't you see? With the one who makes it a joy to roll this aching balding fat body out of the rack each day to do it all over again and again and again.

They ask if you could, if you would, have a chance to do it all over again, would you make a different choice? I could not, would not for it would mean I would never glance into the eyes of beauty, hear the voice of wisdom, touch her lips of passion. I can not imagine a greater gift from God. I am rich. My wife is Terri Manche, I never thought I could love so much. I never . . . .

Thursday, February 2, 2012

A Little Spare Change

I like change . The pocket kind not the life kind . I secretly get excited when I buy something and it comes out a little over a buck . They always ask me if I have the 3 cents so they don't have to give me back a bunch of change . I want to say "Are you nuts? Gimmie the coins!" . I like a little jingle in my pockets .

I see they are coming out with soft drink and snack  machines that don't take coins. You swipe your card or somehow use your phone to get fat now . That's what I need , some method of payment that burns LESS calories . At least there was HOPE when I had to rummage through my pockets for correct change , but now . . . .

I do have a piggy bank at home in case some of my change makes it that far . It used to be a can or a jar but someone gave me one of those banks that counts up the change as it goes in . I'm not really in favor of this because I like the surprise at the end of the year when we see how much was stashed in there . It's usually in the neighborhood of $75 bucks. Back in the day we'd count it all out into piles and start wrapping it in those paper rolls . Some rolls might actually have had the right amount in them . That was back when the kids liked doing things with dad . Now I just go dump it in the machine at Publix . Things do change. . . .

Things DO change don't they? I've always felt like I was a mellow hippy 'cool dude, whatever' kind of a guy who just goes with the flow but I discovered I don't like it so much . Change that is . Anyone who's seen my Facebook posts after Facebook comes up with something new knows I don't like change . A preacher I once heard said if you don't like change you're in for a rough ride . The only thing that doesn't change is change . My life , may be getting bumpier . . . .

I'm a little scared right now . I think I'm on the cusp of change in my life and the future looks really black up ahead . It has to do with my job , as in I don't know if I have one . It's not like I have a boss except for me and I know I'm not firing me but the customers are just not calling . Like humanity has collectively pulled a Donald Trump on me . It's not over yet but it feels like it might be . Some things have happened , odd things , odd thoughts that lead me to think this way and it's got me uneasy . I hope It's God .

I've started looking around out there and I feel small . So few opportunities and so many looking for jobs and careers that it seems like impossible odds. At times like these I look at my short comings and weep . Ok so I look at my short comings MORE than normal . I see my flaws and bad habits and inconsistencies and lack of ability and I think 'who would hire this guy'? and the deeper I look the bigger this flawed man becomes and soon he blots out the loving smile and waiting arms of the immense God behind him . A Dad who wants to lead , guide and prosper me . To use me to build up HIS kingdom and not my own . To be an instrument of His love and kindness . Oh how I long for this . How I want to care . I don't want to be scared. I want to be brave .

What ever my course , be it a little change or a lot , I pray it'll be arm and arm with the One I love and want to love more .