No humor today...
I didn't work much today . I had work for a change but did little. I couldn't get that inner motivation going , that little uuumph you need to help you press through a bad day . My uumph was gone and I couldn't find it . Some times I find it at Krispy Kreme but today I didn't want to find it if it were there so I didn't look .
I sat in my truck for a while hoping to find my nerve to face the day . I like my truck and it was so warm and cozy and safe this morning . I managed to get out and do a little but heart ache chased me back in after a time . I felt alone . Funny thing about working alone . You're alone . I figured I could be alone in my warm truck as well as in the cold so I went back .
I'm working through some things in my life this week . Some things you have to work on with God , alone in the dark places of your heart . Maybe this is part of this working out my salvation He talks about . Only I feel like it's me alone and He's so far away , busy with some one else and their dark place . I know that's not true but I cry out for relief and answers and it's met with silence and darkness . I cried a lot today .
Do you know Paul Potts? He's a singer who won Britain's Got Talent a few years back . Youtube him (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1k08yxu57NA) and re-watch his first night on the show . Watch the lady judge . Here was this unassuming phone salesman with an incredible gift to sing and in this right moment, this perfect moment it came out . This thing he was meant to do he finally got to do and his life was set on a new course . I cried watching it today , you probably wont . I'm a softy .
I think of myself sometimes like Paul , with this amazing gift deep inside , this amazing "me" inside waiting for a chance , for the right moment to burst forth . But until it does I feel like just so many small people in a great big world do . Small . It's a self image thing I know and that's a dark place We've been working on . My Dad and I . I just want to feel like I have value . I know I do , it's just some days you don't feel like it , you know what I mean? Maybe you don't . Why I feel alone sometimes .
This isn't a cry for a pat on the back and some kind words . Typing is just a fairly new way I have of sorting things out I'm just letting you in on the process . Everybody likes a good train wreck right? Just working it out as I stumble along . I just want to get it right .
Some day I want to stand on stage not before 3 talent scouts but One Judge and like Paul, open my mouth and let the beauty of His life come out and I'll finish and look at Him . And He'll look at me and applaud and say "Well done my good and faithful servant. I love you Mark".
sweet. You brought to mind a time last year when I was working on the VBS backdrop for my church all alone. I was despondent. Eventually, after hours of working on my own, God sent a few people to help me, and the work got finished. But it was tough. They are already asking me to do this year's backdrop. Not taking the lead, this time. I will help someone else, so that they won't be lonely, though.
ReplyDelete