Missed It By That Much

I have an agreement with the airlines that if I don't show up when I say I will they should just go on and leave without me.

My Dad has an agreement with me that He'll give me opportunities to raise my kids but that if I don't show up He'll let time move on without me.

I'm a daydreamer. I watched a movie in my youth group many moons ago about this kid who was supposed to do something for God and he was daydreaming he was in front of a crowd of people preaching his heart out and they were swooning and raising their hands and shouting AMEN as hundreds came to the alter to get saved. By the end of the movie though he was a janitor pushing a mop and telling a lonely kid about Jesus. Doing what God wanted. Just didn't have the same panache as the big time preacher dream.

I wanted to be a big time preacher and make the people swoon. No skills. I had the painting skills, fixing skills, ninja skills, driving skills. No teaching skills. Like Maxwell Smart used to say: "Missed it by that much".

I saw another movie last night that made me cry. To Save A Life was the title. About a high school kid whose friend committed suicide. He felt awful. In his quest to find out why, he got saved, took God serious and didn't miss the opportunity to stop someone from doing the same thing. He DIDN'T miss it by that much. I know it was just a movie but I love it when God shows up and does stuff. Makes me cry.

Sometimes I don't show up. Show up for those divine appointments I hear so much about. Too busy looking for that large crowd to preach to. My life is so full of missed chances to make my Dad look good. To make better the lives of my wife, kids, neighbors, homeless or whoever I meet. I think I cry because I feel a little smaller for missing so much.

Today was a good day after a hard couple of weeks. Sometimes my life is just a mess. But tomorrow is a new day that I'm trying to look forward to. To take God serious. A day of a new start, new possibilities. A new chance to love and honor My Dad. He is good. His word is good. His desire for me is Great. I will show up for Him.

Sears Roebuck

You know what I miss? The Sears Roebuck catalog. 4 lbs. and 500 pages of stuff. Stuff I needed. Hey, what ever happened to Roebuck? I remember checking the mail, walking across the street and pulling open the box and lo and behold there it was, wrapped in that plain brown sleeve. I scooped it up and ran to my room and locked the door and opened to that "special" section. You guys know what I'm talking about. Page after page, posed just so and I couldn't take my eyes off. Nice curves and lines, so beautiful, alluring, strong and so desirable. I'd seen other men with them and I was so jealous and remember vowing someday I would have them. All of them. I loved those Craftsman tools. Still don't have ALL of them. Yet.

Have you ever felt trapped? Not like a bear trap but like in a bad marriage, bad job, bad finances, debilitating sickness? I wonder if Bernie Madoff felt trapped? I bet he did. At some point he had to know it would all come crashing down but sometimes you go so far down the road that you just CAN'T turn around. Too hard. Someone has to turn you around and so they did with him. I've been down that road too only without the money.

I would sit for hours and start with page one and imagine this big house that I'd have and would be sharing it with one of those ladies in the "other" section (which, by the way mom, I never looked at. I only heard about it from my brother) and I would start filling it with everything imaginable, from shoes (yeah, funny I know) to baby cribs to king size beds. I spent hours lusting after the things of this world. Ok. Yes. Every section. I imagined quite a life for myself. The only good thing I got from my imaginings was a beautiful wife. Not from the catalog though. You can't get the best from there. You have to shopping in person. Definitely worth the effort. The rest of the stuff, not so much. Turns out you need money which, by the way, they shoulda mentioned on the first page in bold print.

There's a part of me that wants to be rich. The Sears catalog part. Maybe not rich but well off. And then there's the part that of me that thinks it's a shame to have a bunch of money when others in my life have such great need. I really don't know which one is right. Jesus must know but I think He's busy. Raising money for Joel Osteen.

I love it when somebody I know gets a new car. I like the smell. Or when they get that new plasma tv. The games look great. I keep thinking I'm content with what I have but then someone gets a new something and then I'm not. Think I'll try to surround myself with broke friends. Might work. But I know my heart.

I've never played the lottery. Afraid I might win. Then what?

I am a Christian and I want to act like a christian. Be like Jesus. Walk around talking to my Dad, meeting others needs be it money, healing, encouraging words or an introduction to my amazing Dad. Well, I say I want to but mostly I don't. I do do the right things some but I know I don't do enough. I just finished a book called "Will Jesus Buy Me A Double-Wide" in which is story after story of people who gave up the Sears catalog to help those in need. They make Dad look so good. I cried through the book because I want to do it too.

I don't have much money, barely making it by sometimes. So many things we need but I'm so grateful for what we have. We just always seem to be behind or have just enough and I don't have the time or resources for other people. Including my own family at times. I feel so....trapped. Do you ever feel that way? I chose a life of mediocrity some where along the line and I don't know how or where to start to get on the narrower road. sigh. When I started my business I wanted to take a day a week to paint, build, rake or whatever for some who couldn't. Do it with my kids. And I could have. But I didn't. And I don't. Because in my heart are the many pages of the Sears Roebuck catalog.

Hook, Line and Sinker

Fish feel very comfortable when I'm on the water with a pole......

My in-laws live in Maine, the most beautiful state in the union bar none. I love to go there. Mostly for the people but the scenery is amazing, especially in Deer Isle, where the fam is. One thing they don't tell the tourists, especially the ones from Florida is that the water is cold. I've walked in it up to my ankles and my legs started turning blue! There are people that actually swim in it. On purpose! I did once. not on purpose. My father-in-laws boat is anchored in Sylvesters Cove and you have to row a john boat out to reach it. My brother-in-law said drop the anchor which I did....without tying it to the boat. Who knew you had to do that? And why wasn't it tied already? I may have been 'punked. Was told I had to go get it so over I went and...."I can't breath". Which is natural if you're under water but I was still above it! The water was so cold it took my breath away and as I dog paddled I wondered if I should ask to be shot with the spear gun or have them let me drown. I got the anchor, thank you very much. Like I said, the fish had no worries....

I taught kids in church this week. Jonah. He had problems with fish too. I think I read the story for the first time in 35 years. I've told the story many times but I've not read it in a long, long time. It turns out Jonah didn't have a fish problem at all. He had a Jonah problem.

I love the phrasing of Jonah 1:1 "go preach against Nineveh because their wickedness has come up before me". Can't you see God sitting at His desk with a phone to His ear (a rotary phone 'cause this was before cell phones), looking over some papers as an angel walks in and hands Him a folder. He stares at it, His lips moving as He silently reads and He says "I gotta let you go Jesus, I need to call Jonah. This city of Nineveh situation just came before Me....."

I like to fish, I just don't know how or I just don't, for some probably selfish reason, do what I know to do. Like so many things in my life, if I don't get quick results I quit . I like to go fishing with my daughter Holli. I like it because we get to spend time with each other but I just wish we caught something. I was talking to the son of one of my customers and he was telling me of his haul from a local pond. 5 bass over 5lbs. each! Jerk. We'll keep trying.....

It's amazing to me the stupid people God uses. Did Jonah REALLY think he could get on a boat and sail away from God? Adam tried to hide. He might have gotten away with it but he answered a question when God asked it. Oops. Don't think he got the hide part in hide n seek thing yet. So because of his actions Jonah brought a storm into not only his own life but the life of others and it cost them everything (they threw it overboard). Being stupid he told them HE was the problem and to throw him over. Really? Would you have said that? I'da pointed and said Frank did it....

So he get's the first submarine ride. He's swallowed by a fish which is disaster in a disaster and the end of this insanity. Here is where I read something I'd forgotten. God sent the fish. Not exactly the salvation one envisions. It doesn't say how long he was in the water, minutes, hours, who knows. Long enough to pray for God to save him(2:2). Which He did. Which brings me to the point I had no idea I was trying to make when I started typing: Sometimes God's rescues are disasters and it's only the passage of time and the gaining of perspective that we understand it was a rescue.

I've found myself in terrible places in life because of my own actions and at some point I'll repent and make nice with Dad only to find myself in a bigger hole. I guess sometimes that's His way. His salvation. What I'm supposed to do is pay attention to what He's doing or what I think He's doing and rejoice that He cares and grit my teeth and move forward with Him. It's what I'm SUPPOSED to do but often don't. Why? Because I'm dumber than a sack of hammers. But I'll not give up. Because He doesn't. I want to be like Jonah- to be able to worship my Dad in the midst of my hardship. Because He is God!

Boo Hoo

I seem to have a feminine side. Or maybe I'm just a wuss. That's what my friends said growing up. I cry a lot. Ok, not a lot but my fair share at emotional times which is why I like to see chick flicks 'cause there's usually a point I can let loose. One of my favorites is Sleepless in Seattle. I've seen it a lot and EVERY time Tom Hanks (Sam) and Meg Ryan (Annie) meet at the top of the Empire State Building I cry. My heart starts to beat faster when she leaves her fiance at Windows on the World restaurant in the World Trade Center (which is weird now) to go to the Empire State Building, traffic is bad, will she make it? He's rushing to the top to find his son (Jonah)? Will he be there? His son has looked for her fruitlessly all day. Will he leave? Sam gets to the top and,whew, Jonah's there. They head for the elevator. "What are you doing?" my heart says! "Don't go, she's on the other elevator!". I'm always afraid there'll be a rip in the space/time continuam and the movie will some how change and they'll miss each other.Hey, it could happen. So he gets on and the door closes as hers opens and my heart breaks 'cause they missed each other but wait, after an unbearably long time (20 seconds) "ding" goes the elevator, he steps out, walks to the viewing area and they see each other and "poof", it's love! By this time I'm boo- hooing like, well, a girl.


I used to cry in the Adventures in Oddesey radio programs put out by Focus on the Family. Do yourself a favor and listen to them. God speaks.

I think the main reason I cry in movies or while listening to a certain song is I see my Dad. Or His character. His love and kindness are so apparent sometimes even in things that weren't meant to show it. I am just watching and He says "Hey, look, that's Me" and I cry.

At the end of Lord of the Rings there's a part I just well up and can't hold back the tears. You just have to watch for 10 hours to get to it. It's the part where Aragorn is crowned king and as he walks through the people they bow to him, giving honor to the king. As he moves the crowd parts and he stands before the Frodo , Sam, Merry and Pippin , they start to bow and Aragorn says "My friends, you bow to no one". Then he gets on one knee and bows to them and as the camera pans out you see everyone bow as well. By this time I'm sniffling, trying to hold it in if I'm watching with the family ( they always watch me instead of the movie 'cause it's funny to watch dad implode) or just let it all out if I'm alone. Weak. The thing is, I'm not quite sure why I cry here. No one else does. Something in my spirit I guess. Some day I'll know.

There is another movie I cry at. I've actually helped make it. I haven't seen it yet but I know what's in it and I love the actor. He's me. The story of my life wouldn't make much money but might make a good sleep aid.

I haven't had a bad life, quite good in fact compared to many around the world. Too many blessing to recount here and for all of those I an so thankful to my Dad. It's the actor in my life I'm disappointed with. He's lazy and selfish and isn't committed to much but his own comfort. This isn't a bash Mark thing just an honest assessment. I'm a good guy. I have a lot of good qualities and talents, gifts Dad has given me to use for His purpose and glory and I'm happy to use them. Sometimes.

It's those sometimes that bother me though. It bothers me that it's not all the time. And it's in the all the times between the sometimes that I get an understanding of myself. And it's so disappointing. I'm shy and quiet (true) and don't like to take risks. I want ME to be nice and comfy.I don't want to be embarrassed or hurt or thought less of so many times, I do nothing. Shame. I feel like Corporal Upham in Saving Private Ryan (another tearjerker) who let the German soldier up the stairs that killed his fellow soldier. We never know what our inaction leads to do we? I wish I were a better me. I wish I loved my Dad with my whole heart. I have wasted so much time. I'm working that direction though and don't plan to give up. You don't either. Sometimes though, I wish I had someones hand to hold.

I think I know why I cry in Lord of the Rings. It's out of sadness. In 1 Samuel 2:30 God said "I will honor those who honor me". I picture myself in Frodos place and the King stands before me and I want to hear Him say "Well done my good and faithful servant, you honored me and now I honor you" and He takes a knee. But I bow my head and weep in shame 'cause I know it's not true. I was so luke warm. And I weep with gratitude because I stand before my King as a spotless bride because of one who DID love Him and gave himself for Him. I just want to be like Jesus.