Merry Christmas. Again.

When I graduated high school my mom and dad offered me a choice of a graduation gift : a car or a bicycle. I chose a bicycle. I tell you this so you'll know this post is being written by an idiot.

Will moved in next door when I was about 14 and he was a real live hippy. Long hair, a beard and he said things like "righteous, cool and peace man". He rolled his own ...uuhhh...smokes. I liked him a lot. I think 'cause he had long hair. I couldn't have that on account of being my my dad's son and being Southern Baptist. Long hair was thrown in the same category as dancing, card playing and rock music. Video games were soon to be added to that list. Will's coolest thing though was his bike, one of those light weigh touring jobbies that cost over a $2000 and looked so sleek and way fast. He was in college and during one summer he and some of his friends loaded up their bikes, backpacks and their...uuhhh..smokes and headed to Europe to tour the countryside. That, was livin'. That, is what hippies do and why I aspired to be one.

A few day ago my friend David asked on Facebook "to me Christmas means..." . I love to answer questions like this but I was stumped. After last years disappointment I wasn't sure I knew and it called for some maybe painful and embarrassing introspection. I'm still workin' through this.

I chose a bike because 1) Will had one and 2) I loved to ride. Besides, I live at home and could use my moms car, a light blue 1978 Impala station wagon, any time I wanted. Which was only to go on dates. And you can imagine how many chicks wanted to go out with a guy driving a light blue 1978 Impala station wagon. Especially when they found out I turned down a car in favor of a bike....sigh. Maybe best if some gene pools end.....

One Saturday I set out on a bike ride out Millhopper road to where it ended, turn around and head back. 2, hours tops. I got to the end of the road and ate a snack under a big oak tree and began to wonder where this cross road went. Being weak due to the ride I went with curiosity rather than sound wisdom and headed south until this road dead ended into another road. Decision time. Go back or down this road I think goes back into town. What the heck, I'm having a good time and I feel good so off I go. For 8 hours! Yeah, I got lost. In Newberry, Archer and a part of Gainesville I've still never found again. I even stopped and visited a pastor friend but was too embarrassed to say I was lost and to ask for the way back home. Gene pool..... . At some point in this trek I wondered what I was doing, where I was going and was I even on the right road. Mostly though I was just peddling, moving from one stretch of road to the next without thought of time or my destination. Just peddling. I do remember feeling despair a time or two when I didn't know if I was on the right road or going the right direction but kept on going.

So here it is, Christmas, and our situation isn't much different from last year, little money and little work. Enough, but no extra which in America is the same thing as being poor, at least at Christmas time. But I'm ok with it. Well, not ok, but more ok than last year, I'm not depressed like back then. To answer my friend Davids question, for me, Christmas is about giving gifts, being with family and eating fatty foods, decorating, singing carols and shopping. I wish I were more spiritual man and could say it's all about Jesus, Gods gift to us but I don't treat Him any different now than other times of the year. That is to say I ignore Him a lot in my day to day walk and for that I'm ashamed. Last year I said things were going to be different in the coming year, for the things that mattered I'd be more focused, determined, blah blah blah. But it was mostly more of the same and I feel sad about that because I always want to be better and do better. Maybe this year.

So I'm sitting in the church meeting and I'm sitting on the floor singing with the kids and feeling like such a hypocrite. Like a man who cheats on his wife and looks her in the eye and says I love you. Sometimes I'm such a lover of this world or of myself and I come to the meeting and sing with everyone else about loving Jesus but I look in His eyes and I know He knows it's not true. And I just feel so awful and I want to cry and run out but I don't do that in church 'cause it's not normal. Anyway we're singing and the words say something about once being stained but but now we are clean (I don't remember the song) And He say's to me "You're pretty dirty from this last year aren't you? You've done some dumb and thoughtless things haven't you? Lazy, right? Mark, It's like you've been one one of your bike rides again and you just start moving and hope you get there. A thoughtless ride, a thoughtless life. A shameful son. I know that must feel awful and hard to live with and live with it you must, part of that reaping and sowing thing. But don't forget to live with this too son: you are clean and spotless before me. My gift to you. I knew you before and after your life, saw what you'd do and be, all of it, and said it then and say it now, I choose you! My gift to you is you are clean. Forever. I love you. So sing and be glad. Merry Christmas boy.