I have a small, somewhat limited mind. I'm not stupid or anything like that.(insert wise crack here). I just have a hard time holding on to new information. It just seems to vanish. Like my brain is full and the new stuff just rolls off. Kinda like pouring sugar in a cup after it's full and it piles up and just keeps rolling off the top. Some times I get a rush of thoughts and before I can do something with it it's gone. Or I have remnants of thoughts. My friend Arty say's it's like drinking from a fire hydrant. You mostly get wet and not much to drink. Was like that this morning in the church meeting. And as usual, it had nothing to do with what the guy was talking about. Happy Valentines day by the way!
I'm not so happy to this point in the year. I don't know if happiness is the goal but I like to be happy. Don't you? You're told as a youngster that life has it's hills and valleys so you probably guess you'll have some ups and downs. Everybody does, right? But what if your valleys have valleys? Oh crap, right?
Back in the early 80's Dunkin Donuts had a commercial with this dumpy guy making the doughnuts. Looked like the guy that you might have on your bowling team ( if you're on a bowling team, YOU might be this guy. Why I don't bowl....). He'd go out at all times, rain or shine, day or night and say "time to make the donuts". Poor guy. I felt sorry for him. What a boring life. He looked so run down. His life was almost pointless and it seemed like he knew it. But what else was there? He gets up and does it again and again. Until he dies(they never showed this part in the commercials).
I feel like this from time to time. It's like whatever I imagined my life was going to be like didn't quite happen. Some of it( ok, most of it) is my fault. Some is on others. Maybe it's Gods fault. Can He be at fault? Probably not the best word. But something's going on and He has His hand in it somewhere. I feel like the donut guy. Day after day, same old same old. Sigh.
As I've mentioned before, I have a great life and much to be thankful for. A great DAD. Wonderful wife and kids. Good job. Friends. 4 walls and 3 squares a day. Nice right? You'd think. Somethings missing though. And I think what it is is that I'm handicapped in one area. Communication. I'm not good at it. Well, sometimes. My dads fault. He was a very quiet man. Said very little most of his life and I think consequently had few friends. He just didn't know what to say.
I never wanted to be like him. In fact, just the opposite - the life of the party. I want to make people laugh and smile, feel accepted and warm. All of this takes communication and to my dismay I'm finding out I'm more like my dad than I ever wanted to be. Bummer. I love to listen to people and know what's goin' on in their lives. And I want to say things that will encourage them and build them up. I want to help them in their relationships with one another and with God. But mostly, I just don't know what to say so I feel some what, I don't know,...useless? I guess I feel inept.
So here's the real issue. If relationships are what life is about and the most important one is with a Guy who's invisible and is silent most of the time, well, I'm screwed (can I say that?). I'm handicapped.I want for that one to be soooo real, so good. But most of the time it feel like two quiet people sitting across from each other on a first date hoping SOMEONE will say SOMETHING! Awkward. I really want to have a conversation. To listen, to hear. To laugh. To cry. To be...normal. Is that possible? I don't know. I'd like it to be. I'd like it to be so that when I have a chance to share "...the Hope that is within me..." it will be real. Genuine. Not some religious mumbo jumbo. I really want it to be like I'm talking about my real best friend.
If I come to mind ever, pray for me. I won't give up. I'll keep moving forward. Because I love my DAD and I want to give Him my best. I'll walk through the "time to make the donuts" part of life until I mature to the "WOW! I GET to make the donuts!".If I can be of help to you I'd love to. I can pray. And if pressed, gulp, even have a conversation. Feel free to call. 352-318-8051.
I hope any of this made sense....
I totally understand what your saying I think many of us maybe even most, have the same difficulty when it comes to the day in and day out of things and it isn't until something rocks our world or pushes us out of the rut, do we say, wow I really have it good. But didn't even the children of God wandering in the wilderness, who had food handed to them by God Himself, complain because there wasn't any meat. We get bored,His little children, wander off and even have tantrums. I remember your dad, and He was a man of few words.From an outside perspective I dont see you or your brothers as having difficulty in this department at all! Ü You all have shared your lives with our family from time to time and you guys can talk!!! Ü .
ReplyDeleteYou know Tom spends time with the Lord in such a special way. He likes to think of the Father sitting there waiting for him and he is His child. And they spend time talking together. Thanks for sharing, sometimes it is difficult to communicate, but this was a great post.
Mark, I fear you will shrug this off as me just trying to say the right thing - please don't! You need to hear this - in both tour head and heart.
ReplyDeleteThink of how tight your relationship is with any if the authors of some of the books you've listened to (aka read). When is the last time you and John Eldridge sat and talked over coffee? Or you and John Grisham enjoyed a thoughtful conversation over the complexities of being a lawyer or a spy?
My point? My point is that I have got to know you a bit over the last six or seven years and my life has really been positively affected by knowing you. You are thoughtful, caring and a whole lot of fun. However, (yes there is a however because recently I have learned something new and wonderful about you), all our conversations over good and bad, spouses and children and careers-even about God, whom you so lovingly refer to as "dad", don't hold a candle to the way you express yourself - COMMUNICATE- through your writing.
Your Facebook status and even moreso this blog are a shining light to many (with many more to come ) who discover an honesty and nakedness that is more real then we experiance in our daily walk. I'd not be out of line to suggest your writing is more real than most of are with ourselves.
God (sorry, Dad) has blessed you with a form of communication that is able to reach people you may never meet. A way to communicate your Dad's very heart to people who may never hear his voice spoken with such clarity and compassion, sugared with whit and frosted with a father's love.
I beg you my friend, don't mistake a lack of comments on your articles or feedback on Facebook to mean people don't appreciate you. Those who know you love you even more after reading your thoughts. And those who don't know you yet are discovering not only good prose and fun thoughts, but are learning things about you, your Dad, and themselves - all from your words.
I read a lot of blogs and skull around Facebook a lot and almost never leave a trail of comments behind. Your words are at the very top of my 'must read' list. Not because you are (thank God) my dear friend, but because our Dad speaks to my heart through you. Keep writing my friend. Dad is doing a great and powerful thing through you. You may consider yourself timid and stumbling but you encourage many. You are a mighty man of 'DAD' and I am blessed to call you my friend and brother.