Cowardly who?

I was driving to a job this afternoon, which ,is how I get to most of them. The jobs I mean. Always thought it was cool how the kings or queens back in the day got carried around in those cart thingy's. You know what I'm talking about- like a square box elaborately decorated with poles through the bottom with a guy on each end of the pole, carrying you where ever you want. And you'd recline inside on a bunch of plush pillows as someone fed you grapes(I'd lose the grapes though and replace them with donut holes...on the stem!)That's traveling!
So anyway, I'm driving and I'm thinking. Trying to put thoughts together. My mind is like that kids game called the Memory game. You have all these cards face down and you flip them over one at a time until you find a match. So I drive, flipping thoughts over until something matches.Sometimes something comes up that matches a thought from before but I don't know what I did with the previous thought. So now I have to think about what I thought about before. Sheeesh. No wonder I'm tired when I get home.
The Cowardly Lion. That's the card I flipped. That's what I thought about. Random. Not so much him but what he said in one scene.(1939 was a great year for the movies by the way. Oz, Gone With the Wind,Sherlock Holms,Wurthering Heights, and more...) "I do believe in spooks! I do believe in spooks! I do! I do! I do!". He had his eyes closed tight as he said it over and over. Guess it helps you believe.
I just finished watching "Kingdom of Heaven" with Orlando Bloom. Well not WITH him. (That would be silly. He usually doesn't make it over until Friday.We play canasta with Jerry and Elaine). I mean he was in the movie. I really like movies that are based on some kind of history. Braveheart was a good one too. I think because I watch and see Gods hand in so much history and think like " what if this one decision wasn't made" or this "this one unintended act wasn't done" then the whole history of this event or time period would have changed in a terrible way.
In "Kingdom" there was this kind of fatalism mindset in the people. The Christians and the Muslims. This was set during the crusades. It was sort of like "we'll pray for victory but God's gonna do what He wants".
Flip. Card number two.
You can believe this or not but I prayed once and nothing happened.Yeah. I was stunned too. Lots going on in the middle east at the time so I chalked it up to God being busy. So I prayed again only louder. Zip. As in the heavens were zipped shut. Ok so I wasn't shocked. I wasn't because that's how it is with me it seems. I pray and ask for stuff or just to hear and I get nada. So after a while, sometimes,... a lot of the times, I feel like the characters in Kingdom of Heaven. I'll pray and God's gonna do what He wants.
The guy in the bible I relate to the most I think is the one who's son is being delivered from a demon. Jesus tell the man "Everything is possible for him who believes". And the guy says "I do believe, but help me not to doubt". I am so there with this fellow. Help me not to doubt. My new bumper sticker. I feel so,...I don't even know the word. I do believe but feel like when it comes down to it, I doubt. Like the people in "the Kingdom", I pray for victory but....it could go either way depending on Gods mood.
So here I am so often with challenges or troubles in my life and I think God's going to do what He wants (and He should. He's right). And I find myself, like the cowardly lion, with my eyes shut saying over and over "I do believe, I do believe, I do believe...". Maybe if I say it long enough and loud enough.......