He's here but He's not here.....

Still stumbling......

When I was a kid I loved to play hide and seek and I was GOOD at it. My mom and dad's back yard was a perfect place to play it because it had lots of bushes, trees and structures (read : junk) to hide behind or in. It was always a point of pride to hear the hunter say I give up. Happened with me all the time. Like I said, I was good. And on the rare occasion when I was found I was fast and made it to base without being tagged. Good times.

I like playing hide and seek with my grandson. He's 3. He's easy to find which means I win. Feels good. Yeah, I know, he's only 3 but..... . He'll go in the bed room and call out "come and find me but I'm not in the bedroom". Easy win. I go in and there's this big lump under the sheets and I'll look every where but there and say "well, I guess he's not here, I better go..." and a voice from the bed say's "you didn't look under the sheet". "Oh, no I didn't. Well that's just a pillow under there" "No it's not" the bed says. As I approach he erupts from under the sheets and attacks me like the monster he is. Like I said, easy win.

There's a scene in the 2nd Rambo movie where he's being hunted in the jungle by a group of soldiers and silently, one by one he's killing them off. One of them is standing by a mud covered hill scanning all around him when the mud opens it's eyes and reaches out with this huge knife and guts the guy. Amazing. I say amazing because he was in plain sight right next to the guy but couldn't be seen. Standing next to someone and not being seen. Now THAT'S hiding!

We had a mens meeting at church. Breakfast and conversation, some games and teaching. A good time. I guess. I can only guess because I left after a while. Didn't say bye or nothing, just left. I felt like you feel at a party when you don't really want to be there and you really don't have much to say and you feel like the wallflowers at the high school dance who sit in their chair until mommy comes to pick them up. My mommy is in Louisville until the end of this month and I couldn't wait that long for her so I left on my own. I think I wasn't in the mood for fun -n- fellowship.Yeah. I'm weird. I think I just wanted to go back to my hiding place. My oldest daughter Kara was maybe 3 when I tried to explain God and how He's everywhere, even right in this room but you just can't see Him. She thought for a moment and said "He's here but He's not here, right?" Uuuhh...right. Hiding in plain sight.

So my life's been at best, fair this year with a few bright spots along the way to keep me moving. I have good things going for me and am really taken care of by my Dad. But I've had a lot of day to day struggles that have turned me from happy-go-lucky to kind of a sad sack type of guy who some days just barely makes it through. I don't know, maybe I don't pray or read scripture enough, love my neighbor as myself or brush and floss enough. Maybe that's the way of things at times in life and you have to just make it through by gritting your teeth and just do it. I feel like I'm the only one who feels like this. Which is why I hide I think. Don't want to burden anyone with a life mundane.

I've learned that if you show up and smile people think life's grand. That's how I hide. Smile and crack a few funnies and ask a few questions. I'm here but I'm not here. Then I leave, sneak out when nobody's lookin' so they don't have a chance to ask too many questions of me and find out how sad life can be sometimes. I think I feel like people will start to say "oh-oh, here comes Mr. Woe Is Me, smile and wave, just smile and wave....". It's just my imagination but sometimes that can pretty powerful. It makes me want to hide.

I know there are people out there in the same place in life as I am this year. I even think I know who a few are. I've not made much of an effort to find your hiding place. Kinda hard to if I wont get out of mine. I'm so sorry. All I can say is hold on. I'm about to come out of my spot, maybe, and you can take my hand and we can get found together.