I Gotta Pee

When I was in kindergarten I wasn't the brightest bulb . A big ha ha to all of you who just said 'what's changed' . Actually , you're probably right . I must have been pretty dumb though because I ended up at my teachers house for special tutoring . Really , how many kindergartners do you know of who need tutoring? Don't kindergartners have zero knowledge at that point . I had to get tutored to GET to zero . Mom was great about it though . " Heeeyyy....yer almost up to a zero now big boy! Have a Popsicle"! Ya gotta love my mom .

Mrs. Booth was my teacher and she was a sweetheart . I think I was in love with her . Or her hair . It was gigantic . She talked so nice to me and she remembered my name . That's a big deal to kids , the name thing . It's all we have and it felt good when a grown up knew it and used it . It meant we were real .

Mrs. Booth had me come over to her house each week so she could help with what ever dumbness I had about me . What teacher does that anymore? I think she was researching me though . I heard her talking to someone about having the missing link between apes and man . AT her kitchen table ! Of course I didn't get it then , but now . . . .

One time when I was there I became aware of the need to pee but decided to wait a bit and see if she would finish soon . I could wait . I could be patient . Mom always said be polite and be patient with your elders . I bet she didn't have to pee when she came up with this bit of wisdom . I wanted to interrupt but some folks you just have a hard time getting a word in edgewise . I though everyone knew the international signs of immanent peeing . Crossed legs , grabbing your crotch , bending at the waist , grimace on the face . I guess not .

There is also an international sign of relief . THAT one she knew . My momentary relief though was replaced with embarrassment  as I sat there in my wet corduroy pants and a puddle on the floor . I said  I was sorry and all and had tried to be patient but you can't really expect too much from a below zero 5 year old . She was so kind and made no fuss at all . She asked if I was done (I was) and cleaned me up , gave me a cookie , no milk , and we carried on . SHE , was a patient woman . I love you Mrs. Booth .

Have you ever been in the midst of God working on you and it seems to go on forever ? And the word He speaks to you is 'patience' and for a time you're ok with this 'çause He's God and well , who's smarter than Him? And so you do it , being patient that is , but soon find yourself hopping from one foot to another looking for relief and there He is still talking and teaching . You feel like He doesn't know the signs either .

I'm walking through a long stretch in life that requires much patience . I am so grateful My dad is at the helm of this life of mine and I mostly welcome His work . Some days I handle it well because I can see what He sees and I trust Him . A lot of days though I spend grimacing . Honestly a lot of this is my own fault but there are times He's saying 'just hold on' and I try so hard . I want to be a better man .

Some day's though, I just pee .

A Guy Named Paul

No humor today...

I didn't work much today . I had work for a change but did little. I couldn't get that inner motivation going , that little uuumph you need to help you press through a bad day . My uumph was gone and I couldn't find it . Some times I find it at Krispy Kreme but today I didn't want to find it if it were there so I didn't look .

I sat in my truck for a while hoping to find my nerve to face the day . I like my truck and it was so warm and cozy and safe this morning . I managed to get out and do a little but heart ache chased me back in after a time . I felt alone . Funny thing about working alone . You're alone . I figured I could be alone in my warm truck as well as in the cold so I went back .

I'm working through some things in my life this week . Some things you have to work on with God , alone in the dark places of your heart . Maybe this is part of this working out my salvation He talks about . Only I feel like it's me alone and He's so far away , busy with some one else and their dark place . I know that's not true but I cry out for relief and answers and it's met with silence and darkness .  I cried a lot today .

Do you know Paul Potts? He's a singer who won Britain's Got Talent a few years back . Youtube him (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1k08yxu57NA) and re-watch his first night on the show .  Watch the lady judge . Here was this unassuming phone salesman with an incredible gift to sing and in this right moment, this perfect moment it came out . This thing he was meant to do he finally got to do and his life was set on a new course . I cried watching it today , you probably wont . I'm a softy .

I think of myself sometimes like Paul , with this amazing gift deep inside , this amazing "me" inside waiting for a chance , for the right moment to burst forth . But until it does I feel like just so many small people in a great big world do . Small . It's a self image thing I know and that's a dark place We've been working on . My Dad and I . I just want to feel like I have value . I know I do , it's just some days you don't feel like it , you know what I mean? Maybe you don't . Why I feel alone sometimes .

This isn't a cry for a pat on the back and some kind words . Typing is just a fairly new way I have of sorting things out I'm just letting you in on the process . Everybody likes a good train wreck right? Just working it out as I stumble along . I just want to get it right .

Some day I want to stand on stage not before 3 talent scouts but One Judge and like Paul, open my mouth and let the beauty of His life come out and I'll finish and look at Him . And He'll look at me and applaud and say "Well done my good and faithful servant. I love you Mark".