I have a small, somewhat limited mind. I'm not stupid or anything like that.(insert wise crack here). I just have a hard time holding on to new information. It just seems to vanish. Like my brain is full and the new stuff just rolls off. Kinda like pouring sugar in a cup after it's full and it piles up and just keeps rolling off the top. Some times I get a rush of thoughts and before I can do something with it it's gone. Or I have remnants of thoughts. My friend Arty say's it's like drinking from a fire hydrant. You mostly get wet and not much to drink. Was like that this morning in the church meeting. And as usual, it had nothing to do with what the guy was talking about. Happy Valentines day by the way!
I'm not so happy to this point in the year. I don't know if happiness is the goal but I like to be happy. Don't you? You're told as a youngster that life has it's hills and valleys so you probably guess you'll have some ups and downs. Everybody does, right? But what if your valleys have valleys? Oh crap, right?
Back in the early 80's Dunkin Donuts had a commercial with this dumpy guy making the doughnuts. Looked like the guy that you might have on your bowling team ( if you're on a bowling team, YOU might be this guy. Why I don't bowl....). He'd go out at all times, rain or shine, day or night and say "time to make the donuts". Poor guy. I felt sorry for him. What a boring life. He looked so run down. His life was almost pointless and it seemed like he knew it. But what else was there? He gets up and does it again and again. Until he dies(they never showed this part in the commercials).
I feel like this from time to time. It's like whatever I imagined my life was going to be like didn't quite happen. Some of it( ok, most of it) is my fault. Some is on others. Maybe it's Gods fault. Can He be at fault? Probably not the best word. But something's going on and He has His hand in it somewhere. I feel like the donut guy. Day after day, same old same old. Sigh.
As I've mentioned before, I have a great life and much to be thankful for. A great DAD. Wonderful wife and kids. Good job. Friends. 4 walls and 3 squares a day. Nice right? You'd think. Somethings missing though. And I think what it is is that I'm handicapped in one area. Communication. I'm not good at it. Well, sometimes. My dads fault. He was a very quiet man. Said very little most of his life and I think consequently had few friends. He just didn't know what to say.
I never wanted to be like him. In fact, just the opposite - the life of the party. I want to make people laugh and smile, feel accepted and warm. All of this takes communication and to my dismay I'm finding out I'm more like my dad than I ever wanted to be. Bummer. I love to listen to people and know what's goin' on in their lives. And I want to say things that will encourage them and build them up. I want to help them in their relationships with one another and with God. But mostly, I just don't know what to say so I feel some what, I don't know,...useless? I guess I feel inept.
So here's the real issue. If relationships are what life is about and the most important one is with a Guy who's invisible and is silent most of the time, well, I'm screwed (can I say that?). I'm handicapped.I want for that one to be soooo real, so good. But most of the time it feel like two quiet people sitting across from each other on a first date hoping SOMEONE will say SOMETHING! Awkward. I really want to have a conversation. To listen, to hear. To laugh. To cry. To be...normal. Is that possible? I don't know. I'd like it to be. I'd like it to be so that when I have a chance to share "...the Hope that is within me..." it will be real. Genuine. Not some religious mumbo jumbo. I really want it to be like I'm talking about my real best friend.
If I come to mind ever, pray for me. I won't give up. I'll keep moving forward. Because I love my DAD and I want to give Him my best. I'll walk through the "time to make the donuts" part of life until I mature to the "WOW! I GET to make the donuts!".If I can be of help to you I'd love to. I can pray. And if pressed, gulp, even have a conversation. Feel free to call. 352-318-8051.
I hope any of this made sense....
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Monday, February 8, 2010
Battleship
Everybody had a nice old neighbor when they were kids. A grandma or grandpa type right? I had one right next door to me. Mr. and Mrs. Arline. Teddy and Ginette to my mom and dad. Very sweet people, quick with a smile or a joke or some good natured teasing. And always there for a helping hand when you needed them. Nice christian folks too. They went to the Church Of God, Westwood Hills Church of God I think. I went to school there in 8th grade. And cheated big time. What did they expect if they let you grade your own work and tests? It was like free ice cream. I was a christian but I wasn't stupid (that came later in life). They washed feet there. At the church I mean. I thought that was weird. I think I still do.
I think Mr. Arline worked at the VA. A maintenance man or a mr. fix it or something. He wore coveralls and carried a lunch box. Not like my Scooby-Doo lunch box but like one of those construction worker kind. You know, kinda barrel shaped on the top with ribs, all scratched up with a little thermos clipped in the top. I'd love to have one of those. You can't buy a new one though.People will look at you funny, you look like a the new guy. Same thing with a tool belt. Gotta buy this stuff at a flea market so it comes already broken in. Or drag your new stuff behind the car for a few miles to get the nicks and dings.
Mr. Arline could take his teeth out. At first I didn't think it was a big deal because my dad could take his teeth out too. So could my grandma. But Mr, Arline did it on purpose to make you laugh. He was fun. He could also make teeth out of watermelon rind that looked so funny.
The best thing about this man was that he was in the navy in WWII. I never asked him but I just knew because he had a battleship in his back yard. Came from an army/navy surplus store I'm sure. My mom said we weren't allowed to play on it though. Too dangerous. Right. We were young men, my friends and I and the Vietnam war was going on so we had to get ready. So when mom wasn't home we'd play on it.
It was amazing how close Gainesville was to Vietnam. When we were on the ship we were under constant attack from the Germans and Japs( the only enemy combatants we knew of. John Wayne movies.)Boy how the air vibrated as we cranked up the anti-aircraft gun and those 16 inch guns. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. ack ack ack ack ack BOOM. We shot down dozens of aircraft every day. And of course there were injuries. Most all of us got shot a bunch so we had to have a nurse to help us. My sister was the only girl so she was elected. Every one liked this but me. Who wants to get pampered by his sister. But I took it like a man. This was war.
Some days the battleship was a landing craft which meant we had to go ashore for hand to hand combat. Rambo Shmambo. We were fighting machines trained in all the latest fighting techniques with all the weapons. The Germans had no chance. Of course, a German would get off a lucky shot and we'd be killed but some how come back to life. My sister had nothing to do with this. In the end, we'd either kill all the Germans or Japs or someones mother would call them home for dinner. There's always tomorrow...
Mr. and Mrs. Arline are gone now but I wish they still lived next door. And I still wish he still had his battleship (though as I think about it now....maybe it was just an old boat on blocks. I'll have to ask my mom) I would see that thing and think about battling. War. Enemy. Injury. Death. Victory!
You know, I get up every day and battle. Well, there's a battle going on that I mostly ignore. An unseen enemy like my Germans and Japanese that are at war for my soul . And I treat this enemy like the Germans and Japanese- make believe. I can't see them or feel them so I don't think about them. I just go about my merry way. But I should because they are real and have at points screwed up my life and those around me.( I am absolutely on the hook for poor decisions I make. The devil didn't make me do it. He just maybe gave me the idea)
So, battleship or no, I will get up tomorrow and battle to be a good son. One who honors his Father in word and deed. One who makes his DAD look appetizing and special to those around me. He is sooo nice to me and my family. I wish every one knew Him. Only, better than I do....
I think Mr. Arline worked at the VA. A maintenance man or a mr. fix it or something. He wore coveralls and carried a lunch box. Not like my Scooby-Doo lunch box but like one of those construction worker kind. You know, kinda barrel shaped on the top with ribs, all scratched up with a little thermos clipped in the top. I'd love to have one of those. You can't buy a new one though.People will look at you funny, you look like a the new guy. Same thing with a tool belt. Gotta buy this stuff at a flea market so it comes already broken in. Or drag your new stuff behind the car for a few miles to get the nicks and dings.
Mr. Arline could take his teeth out. At first I didn't think it was a big deal because my dad could take his teeth out too. So could my grandma. But Mr, Arline did it on purpose to make you laugh. He was fun. He could also make teeth out of watermelon rind that looked so funny.
The best thing about this man was that he was in the navy in WWII. I never asked him but I just knew because he had a battleship in his back yard. Came from an army/navy surplus store I'm sure. My mom said we weren't allowed to play on it though. Too dangerous. Right. We were young men, my friends and I and the Vietnam war was going on so we had to get ready. So when mom wasn't home we'd play on it.
It was amazing how close Gainesville was to Vietnam. When we were on the ship we were under constant attack from the Germans and Japs( the only enemy combatants we knew of. John Wayne movies.)Boy how the air vibrated as we cranked up the anti-aircraft gun and those 16 inch guns. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. ack ack ack ack ack BOOM. We shot down dozens of aircraft every day. And of course there were injuries. Most all of us got shot a bunch so we had to have a nurse to help us. My sister was the only girl so she was elected. Every one liked this but me. Who wants to get pampered by his sister. But I took it like a man. This was war.
Some days the battleship was a landing craft which meant we had to go ashore for hand to hand combat. Rambo Shmambo. We were fighting machines trained in all the latest fighting techniques with all the weapons. The Germans had no chance. Of course, a German would get off a lucky shot and we'd be killed but some how come back to life. My sister had nothing to do with this. In the end, we'd either kill all the Germans or Japs or someones mother would call them home for dinner. There's always tomorrow...
Mr. and Mrs. Arline are gone now but I wish they still lived next door. And I still wish he still had his battleship (though as I think about it now....maybe it was just an old boat on blocks. I'll have to ask my mom) I would see that thing and think about battling. War. Enemy. Injury. Death. Victory!
You know, I get up every day and battle. Well, there's a battle going on that I mostly ignore. An unseen enemy like my Germans and Japanese that are at war for my soul . And I treat this enemy like the Germans and Japanese- make believe. I can't see them or feel them so I don't think about them. I just go about my merry way. But I should because they are real and have at points screwed up my life and those around me.( I am absolutely on the hook for poor decisions I make. The devil didn't make me do it. He just maybe gave me the idea)
So, battleship or no, I will get up tomorrow and battle to be a good son. One who honors his Father in word and deed. One who makes his DAD look appetizing and special to those around me. He is sooo nice to me and my family. I wish every one knew Him. Only, better than I do....
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