Things take longer than you think. My wife Terri is always telling me this. I sit down to the computer and think I've typed for 10 minutes and it turns out to be an hour. I tell her I'll be home in 20 and it's an hour. I'm optimistic I guess. As in I'd be done typing in 10 IF I could type or I'd be home IF there were no other cars on the road. Well, I can't and there are. Reality.
I built a deck this week. Tore the old one off and put a new and improved one back. Looking at it ( it was 10X12 ) I thought a day max. In.Out. Move on to the next thing, places to go, people to meet. Well, two days. I built it better than it was before, stronger, more bracing, epoxy coated fasteners, plastic wood, etc. It just took longer. I judged poorly how much time and effort was involved.
I remember painting some ones house and I miss-judged by DAYS how long it would take. After the fourth day the profit started to disappear and by the time I finished I think I was making $9 an hour. You can't run a business on $9 an hour. Agony. I can remember rolling paint on the wall and I was crying and thinking I was going to quit because I couldn't do it. How could I be so far off on my price and time estimate? Every time I look up or around and see how much more there was to do new waves of depression and tears would overwhelm me.
The cost of and education. That's what I tell myself when I encounter one of those jobs. I learn to look better. Anticipate potential problems. Realize I'm human with a life that gets in the way of work some time. Realize that I "can't type and there are other cars on the road". But sometimes I don't. I just go through emotional turmoil and whine but I don't look at what went wrong and how to fix it. I just cry. Sometimes I can be such a wuss.
I seem to go through a lot of hard times in my life and I complain, cry, blame, but rarely ask what I could do different. I don't always examine what God's doing in my life. Don't examine what I've done wrong. Just complain and say "why is this taking so long"? I an so immature for a man of 46.
Some things just take longer. God's molding me and making me into a good son, a man of integrity and character. Which I desperately want. It's just a work that sometimes takes a while. Sometimes much longer than I think. Is it because of me? Mostly. Lazy, poor decision making, etc.. Sometimes though, a hard time needs to take a long time. I don't understand this or God and His ways. I want to trust Him and believe He's got me in his hand. But sometimes I think He dropped me. I can be so faithless some times.
But He is faithful and kind. And I will get up tomorrow and do my best to follow and be like Him.
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
roots
What do you want on your tombstone? Me,...peperoni. Ha ha. That's a joke. See, there's a pizza named Tombstone and when people say "what do you want..." . Oh never mind. If I have to explain it.... .Well, I was thinking about other things and my tombstone popped into my mind. Where do these thoughts come from? How can you be thinking perfectly normal thoughts about cheating the IRS and then have some random thought invade your mind? Lack of mental discipline I suppose. Need to up my dose of Ritalin.
So what's on my stone? I'm not sure quite yet. I hope I have a long time to decide. I don't even know if they still put stuff on them anymore do they? Maybe the date? "A loving husband and devoted father". Don't know if I could stand to be buried under a lie. Too cheesy anyway. I want something original. "He was a dirty rotten so and so but he had a nice yard". Yeah. "He had nice grass". For now, I'm gonna stick with this one.
The house we live in is our starter house. We'll live here 4 or 5 years, build up equity and then move up to our dream home. Or build our dream home. Sigh. That was 19 years ago. It's taken a little longer to build up equity.... . But It's been a wonderful house for us and we are so grateful for our DADs provision. It's solid and has never had a problem I couldn't fix with minimal money and help from some friends. The best part though, is the grass.
I don't know how much credit I can take for the grass, it was nice when we moved here. So were the roses. I managed to kill those right off but the grass, well, it was a hearty breed. I just water it and fertilize 3 or 4 times a year and mostly it looks great. I really like to mow it. The smell of fresh cut grass on a Saturday morning is so great. But the absolute best part of my lawn is when someone comes over and says "Wow, you have a beautiful lawn". Oh stop. "No, I mean it. It's so lush and uniform". Please, you're embarrassing me. Tell me more....
Mostly, it does look nice but as I say, I just water and fertilize and DAD does the rest. Except for the weeds. He doesn't seem to want to do anything about them except let them grow. I, on the other hand, want to cast them into the pits of hell. I can sorta keep up with them if I catch them early enough. But if I don't they can be a real problem. Some times they get out of hand and I'll go out and pull them one by one. It's therapeutic. For ten minutes and then it becomes some sort of self flagellation I feel I must go through. What's discouraging is looking up and seeing hundreds of more weeds, all connected by the same root system. I can pull a few here, a few there but it doesn't matter because they're all connected by the same roots. So many roots to so many weeds. Can be overwhelming.
I'm driving and thinking about my life and how messed up it is. Not really messed up like a drug addict or a bank robber or a preacher or something. Just lots of mistakes and lost opportunities. Way too much time on my own pleasures and not enough being a lover of my God, my wife and children. I guess I'm going through mid life and looking back and seeing a yard not well cared for. Too many weeds have been allowed to grow for too long and now it's a daunting task to weed my life. So much of life is connected, just like the weeds, and I sometimes don't know where to start. Do you ever feel this way? Like no matter where you you start, it really wont make much of a difference. But start I must. And you too. It's never to late. It may feel like it but it's never too late to do right. I hope I can. I'm a great starter but lousy finisher. It's a weed.
So ask me. Ask me how my grass is. Are the weeds in retreat? Tell me you'll help me. Cheer me on. I want to make my yard (world) a better place. I just want to be better.
So what's on my stone? I'm not sure quite yet. I hope I have a long time to decide. I don't even know if they still put stuff on them anymore do they? Maybe the date? "A loving husband and devoted father". Don't know if I could stand to be buried under a lie. Too cheesy anyway. I want something original. "He was a dirty rotten so and so but he had a nice yard". Yeah. "He had nice grass". For now, I'm gonna stick with this one.
The house we live in is our starter house. We'll live here 4 or 5 years, build up equity and then move up to our dream home. Or build our dream home. Sigh. That was 19 years ago. It's taken a little longer to build up equity.... . But It's been a wonderful house for us and we are so grateful for our DADs provision. It's solid and has never had a problem I couldn't fix with minimal money and help from some friends. The best part though, is the grass.
I don't know how much credit I can take for the grass, it was nice when we moved here. So were the roses. I managed to kill those right off but the grass, well, it was a hearty breed. I just water it and fertilize 3 or 4 times a year and mostly it looks great. I really like to mow it. The smell of fresh cut grass on a Saturday morning is so great. But the absolute best part of my lawn is when someone comes over and says "Wow, you have a beautiful lawn". Oh stop. "No, I mean it. It's so lush and uniform". Please, you're embarrassing me. Tell me more....
Mostly, it does look nice but as I say, I just water and fertilize and DAD does the rest. Except for the weeds. He doesn't seem to want to do anything about them except let them grow. I, on the other hand, want to cast them into the pits of hell. I can sorta keep up with them if I catch them early enough. But if I don't they can be a real problem. Some times they get out of hand and I'll go out and pull them one by one. It's therapeutic. For ten minutes and then it becomes some sort of self flagellation I feel I must go through. What's discouraging is looking up and seeing hundreds of more weeds, all connected by the same root system. I can pull a few here, a few there but it doesn't matter because they're all connected by the same roots. So many roots to so many weeds. Can be overwhelming.
I'm driving and thinking about my life and how messed up it is. Not really messed up like a drug addict or a bank robber or a preacher or something. Just lots of mistakes and lost opportunities. Way too much time on my own pleasures and not enough being a lover of my God, my wife and children. I guess I'm going through mid life and looking back and seeing a yard not well cared for. Too many weeds have been allowed to grow for too long and now it's a daunting task to weed my life. So much of life is connected, just like the weeds, and I sometimes don't know where to start. Do you ever feel this way? Like no matter where you you start, it really wont make much of a difference. But start I must. And you too. It's never to late. It may feel like it but it's never too late to do right. I hope I can. I'm a great starter but lousy finisher. It's a weed.
So ask me. Ask me how my grass is. Are the weeds in retreat? Tell me you'll help me. Cheer me on. I want to make my yard (world) a better place. I just want to be better.
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