Pinball Whizzer

I went to summer school once . In 4th grade . I had trouble catching on to the whole grading system thing that year because to that point we were graded with smiley faces and satisfactory's and  whether we showed up or not and I ALWAYS got smiley faces 'cause my teachers thought I was hot for an 8 year old . I'm pretty sure I remember this right .

A , B , C , D and F . It took me the better part of a year to figure out the A's and B's were what moms and dads were hoping for and the D's and F's were the fast track to foster care . I knew I wasn't going to get the first two because I wasn't a girl and the C was out because you have to do SOMETHING at least . So I hovered around the F level until it was too late to do anything about it . I didn't think all of this grade stuff would matter and thought this was all bogus anyway 'cause they left out the E . Ha . Educators .

Mom and us kids went to Virginia and North Carolina for a month every summer to see the relatives . Always so much fun except for the time my cousins Allen and Stewart saw that I had pink eye and told me I was gonna die . I cried 'cause I didn't want to die just yet and I wanted to see what all this 4th grade business was about . Then my cousin Ann came to my rescue and saved me from my fate and I fell in love . Yeah she was my cousin but that's how we do it down south .

This summer though I was left behind with my dad who never went on vacation . With 4 kids , having them go away WAS vacation . And to my horror they made me go to school . In SUMMER . But only until lunch and then I'd go home to an empty house because , as I would later learn , grown ups work in the summer . I still have a hard time with this . So I had all afternoon to play with friends who were . . .  too tired from playing all MORNING . So I ended up going to the Majik Market (who remembers those?) and playing pinball until I ran out of the meager funds I had . I'm not sure how I got money in the first place but it ran out in a week and I was left to ponder how more was aquired .

My dad smoked Winston cigarettes . 2 packs a day , rain or shine . But on those days he had a cold he smoked Salem menthol cigarettes because we all know the medical benefits of smoking MENTHOL cigarettes when you're sick ! For some reason he kept them in the freezer until sickness reared it head and out they'd come . I tried them that summer . Well , I tried one . I put 'em back on account of my face was the same green as the pack and I began to doubt their curative powers .

I did find however the stack of money mom kept frozen there . Because no burglar would think to look in the freezer . I took a $20 . If you're good a 20 spot will get you a lot of time with the pinball machine . If you're 8 and flunked 4th grade you get a 2 hours . I was going to take another twenty and maybe give the Salems another try but for whatever reason didn't . I did manage to to find friends with ample supplies of quarters and squandered their wealth as well and , in the process , somehow passed summer school . Life wasn't too bad .

Until dad found out . Apparently he counts cigarettes . And 20's . Turns out he keeps HIS stash there too . Moms was further in the back under the lamb chops . Dang . He looked at the cigarettes and held 'em out to me . "Have another boy . . . " he smirked . I didn't want one . He didn't offer me another $20 . He got mad and scolded me for "Pissing away all your money" . And his too . On gosh darn pinball . I didn't go out much after that .

As I was thinking about this memory today I thought about my life and how it's kinda the same sometimes . I don't put into this life God gave me all the effort I should . I don't pay attention . I don't ask questions . I waste His money . And sometimes , some days , my grade is an F and not the A I long for . He said "I've entrusted you with so much , talent and ability, My Spirit , My love . I gave you time . Yours and others and you piss it away playing games . " Well , He didn't really say that but it goes with the title . You get the gist . And I get it too . I HAVE been entrusted with so much and as a man I should be better because I AM better . Holy Spirit lives in me and THAT makes me better . Not by might , not by power but by His Spirit . I just seem to waste His best efforts . But I'll keep workin' it out . Because He is worthy .

I'm in summer school . Again . It's cool though. I'm gonna get an A .

Lost in Publix

I hope they have a Publix in Heaven.

I like to shop . For food , not clothes . I was in Walmart yesterday and they had racks and racks of clothes on clearance and these ladies were pawing through them , picking them up and holding them up , turning them this way and that .  Then they hold 'em up to themselves and ask a stranger , a complete stranger , " What do you think ? Will it make my hips look big?" And the lady says "YES"! But then she shuffles around in a basket and pulls out a pair of pants and says "try these". "Oh those are nice" she says as she holds them up to her waist and smiles . "My husband will love these". I walked away with 2 thoughts . One , I hope there is a lot of elastic in the waist band and two , her husband will NOT notice because the only time a husband notices a wife's clothes is when they're not on .

Food is easy to shop for . You make a list and it's like an Easter egg hunt . You take a basket and go around and fill it up with all kinds of yumminess . And ALWAYS get a cart and not one of those little plastic carry baskets they have at the front door 'cause you KNOW it'll be too full when you get to the register . And you'll be behind the guy who puts his stuff on the end of the conveyor belt and wont move it forward because he likes to see food move on it's own . Get the cart on wheels , you'll be more comfortable .

My wife doesn't like me to go to Publix with her . Something about her 'alone' time . In a store full of people . But they're not her people . After years of going with a bunch of kids I get that . It's just I'm not one of them . Mostly .

I remember going to Publix with my mom when I was 4 or 5 and getting lost . I walked away from her and went a few isles over looking for Kool-Aid . I don't remember if I found it but when I went back to mom she wasn't there . I can so clearly remember and even feel the sense of panic that came over me . She was gone! I walked over from isle to isle looking and calling out her name . Which was mom . Did you ever find that weird that everybody else's mom had a name like Mrs. Barber or Mrs. Jones but yours was just mom? Thoughts like this is why I did kindergarten twice I think .  And as I call out for mom I wander farther away and begin to feel abandoned and  alone . And I cry . Eventually someone finds this weeping 4 year old and takes him by the hand and brings me back to momma . And that's where the memory ends . I have so few memories of my childhood and I don't know why this one stuck around . Odd .

My life with God is kinda like my Publix experience I think . I walk with Him as he puts the provisions of life in my basket and we do it hand in hand . But he gave me the freedom to walk beside Him and even go ahead on my own . To do as He does and be as He made me to be . But sometimes I go back an isle or two and look at something that wasn't for me to have . Or take something I wasn't supposed to have yet . Or sometimes just wander .

I've been in a place now where I've just been wandering . At some point I knew I was lost and I called out for my Dad but I couldn't hear His answer . I searched and called (this is a big world) and have felt so lost and alone . Have you ever felt this way ? I know He's here and I know He loves and cares for me because I know Him . But some times it feels so very opposite and I don't know what to believe . But I trust Him and I know He's always with me . I have to believe that .

I'm walking back now . Because He calls me with that still small voice (whatever that is) . And because I'm tired of wandering (again) . I just want to be in my Dads arms again and for it to be like I imagine it to be . He knows .

If you happen to find this 4 year old weeping in the produce isle you have his permission to take him by the hand . To wipe a tear and walk together to the place where a Father is waiting for His son . I don't want to be lost .

Nothing New Under The Sun

I haven't written in a couple of months . I quit and said I wasn't going to any more because I would come home and look at the blog site and see if anyone had read it . Or better yet , left a comment . I mostly was disappointed . I think because I was needing someone , anyone to like me and think I was. . . smart . So I kept looking for validation . Ha! Smart people use the word validation! I hated this part of me . I know I'm smart , witty , valuable , handsome (well. . .) important and so on and people love me . But sometimes I just don't feel it . And I need to feel it . Do you ever feel that way ?

I miss writing though . Honestly I've not had much to write about or at least haven't been inspired enough to sit here and type . Most good writing come through pain or joy and I've just been numb to either . Not that pain or joy would make my writing good but there you go . I guess it would help if I would talk to Jesus some . I am so far away . In fact I may change the blog title to ' Sitting Around And Being Obstinate With Jesus' .  I don't even know if I can put into words where I'm at . Not good for a guy who likes words . sigh . . . . .

Well . . . . that's it . Probably shouldn't have signed back on . Had to try tho . Maybe something will kick in . I would like to at least like to stumble with Jesus again .